We asked everyone on our FB page to mention the first word /phrase that comes to mind when you think of your mother or own motherhood. We transformed the wide range of emotions heard into our picture of the day. And with that, here is a take on motherhood by Sukanya Bora. Her thoughts will resonate with most mothers out there. Here is what she says.
I have lost count of the number of times I have attempted to start this post. Let’s just say I struggled writing about motherhood. Yes, me. The woman who considers birthing babies her single most defining moment in her life. The woman who believes her identity at this juncture of her life is that of a mother.
Putting motherhood into words is tough for me. For there ain’t no standard, one size fit all definition for it. It is unique as you make it to be. To me at the very least, it is like a roller coaster ride, where the highs and lows bring immeasurable thrill and grief in equal measure.
To eloquently articulate the pains of motherhood is demanding. No joys, you ask? Even the joyous, proudest moments are painful for me. The emotions run so deep and strong that I am left feeling raw. My heart feels like this naked lump of flesh that is beating outside my body. Underrated is the power of maternal emotions.
As a kid, I don’t recall ever wanting to be a mom. I wanted to travel the world as a photojournalist or become a television news personality or Stefan Edberg’s girlfriend. Never a mom. But then all of this changed when I met my hubby. Finding my partner was the second most defining moment in my life. Soon I wanted us to have a brood, someone to carry on our legacy, someone I can coddle to my heart’s content. And this need to love, protect and care for someone became more pronounced when after hours and hours of prolonged labor, I find a pink blob of flesh in my arms. All the pain I endured dissipated instantly as I locked eyes with my first-born. I couldn’t help notice how beautiful he was. I remember thinking – do I really deserve this perfect baby? As poignant the moment was, it was equally terrifying. Suddenly the weight of responsibility dawned on me. Nothing is as unsettling as not knowing what to expect. I bought a baby into this world. Now what?
Blindly I plunged into the challenging somewhat abstruse world of mothering, caring for a new-born. I was clueless but quietly determined to be the best mommy I can be to this helpless but absolutely adorable tiny soul. Needless to say, I fell madly in love with my baby. And it was this deep, unequivocal love that pushed me through sleepless, colicky nights, painful feeds and countless bugs.
Motherhood has turned out to be a tenacious teacher and I, its shaky but eager pupil. Like a dedicated savant, it is relentless with its tutelage. It continues to teach me patience, something I am gravely challenged with. It is frequently testing my usefulness, my worth. It celebrates my wins with an abundance of joy and honor. It chastises me for my transgressions, pushing me to dark, upsetting places I don’t wish to go. It is at these places where I anxiously second guess my actions. It demands yet fulfills. There are days when I feel I am the world’s most blessed, rewarded mother. Days when I bask in the glory of love- the luscious and profound variety that gives me such an emotional high that I am left breathless.
It is transient, dynamic, this motherhood. What was anxiety causing a few years ago has now become a memory that provides comic relief. What is stressful now will turn into an easy habit few months later. It’s needs, expectations, norms are in a constant flux and it is in this fluidity that I find clock work synergy. It is in its complexity, I find clarity. Clarity of thought, action and my purpose – of nurturing and respecting. Of loving and being loved. Of raising kids richer in compassion and stronger in values.